Alright y’all, this one’s going to get a bit personal. I’m going to diverge a bit from my standard crunchy sustainability messaging and talk about childbirth and the first stages of motherhood, because it’s important. As a new mom, this is what I wish someone had told me about labor, delivery, and the feelings that immediately follow.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I wanted one of those “all-natural” births. I read so many books and blogs on child birth, attended several classes with my husband, and researched every possible decision (or so I thought) I would encounter in the birthing process. I made a birth plan, and had a copy of it on file with my midwives. I had a pretty good idea of how things were supposed to go. I was blessed with a pretty easy pregnancy with little to no complications. However, that didn’t stop my birth experience from going completely awry. I heard time and time again to look at my birth plan as more of a “wish list,” and that things were bound to happen on their own accord. And while I tried to stay flexible, I didn’t realize just how true that advice was.
The term “all-natural” is not very descriptive. If it is taken to mean an un-medicated birth with minimal interventions, it implies a birth that necessitated medication or intervention is somehow “unnatural.” Let me tell you right now, if you made a baby, grew it in your body, and gave birth, that’s about as natural as it gets. There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing modern medical science to assist you in delivering your baby. Now, if you’d like to minimize medication and/or interventions, that’s great! That’s what I was going for. If you’d rather have the creature comforts of the hospital, that’s great too. It’s your choice based on your personal history and beliefs.
Here’s my advice for child birth, regardless of your birth preferences.
Know your rights in the delivery room
Informed consent is a big deal. You have the right to be informed of the risks and benefits of any medical care, and to consent or decline that care accordingly.
Maybe you are already familiar with who will be assisting in the delivery of your baby. If so, that’s great! It’s really helpful to get on the same page with your attending physician or midwife well before you go into labor. That way, everyone has a better idea of what to expect and how you would like to be cared for. However, this isn’t always possible. I, for one, planned on delivering at the birth center in town, but was transferred to the hospital after my water broke but labor failed to start within 24 hours. My local hospital is very small, and the same doctor that attends the ER also attends the maternity ward, rotating on and off the clock with shift changes.
After I was transferred to the hospital to be induced, I ended up laboring through four shift changes. The second doctor I saw did not see eye to eye with my birth preferences, to say the least. Right off the bat, he began pushing me to get different interventions I did not want, while also neglecting to fully explain why he thought I needed them. When I declined, he presented my husband and I with paperwork to sign that held the hospital harmless of any negative outcomes as a result of my denying the interventions. Ultimately, after asking the doctor to leave the room and talking about my options with my midwife (who ironically was more helpful in explaining the medical necessity of the interventions) and husband, I consented to the interventions. However, it would have been fully within my rights to decline if I did not consent. You can too. If you are uncomfortable with anything, it is okay to say “no,” or even “wait a minute, let me think” (shy of a medical emergency). If you are not seeing eye to eye with your doctor, please request another, or ask for a nurse or support person to help explain the situation.
I get it though, maybe you don’t want to be inundated with heavy decision making in the throws of labor. It is incredibly hard to think straight with all of the hormones and contractions rushing through your body. That brings me to my next tip.
Bring someone you trust to support your medical decisions
Maybe this person is your partner. Maybe they’re your best friend. Maybe they’re a doula. Whoever they are, make sure you trust them completely. Don’t feel pressured to have your relatives in the room, not your in laws, not even your mom (unless you really want to). Don’t feel like you need to have anyone in the room, for that matter. When you’re giving birth, it’s your show. Whoever is there will see you at your most vulnerable, and your most powerful. Their presence should comfort you and make you feel secure and supported.
Whoever you plan to bring with you into the delivery room, sit down with them before hand and go over your medical preferences. Tell them your expectations, your fears, and what you’re most looking forward to. (Meeting that baby? Finding out the gender? Just not being pregnant anymore?) Tell them what their roll is and how you think they could best support you. Make sure this person feels comfortable supporting you and encouraging you to make the decisions you had previously wanted. By all means, it is 100% okay to change your mind if you decide you want an epidural when you weren’t planning on one. Or maybe you decide to labor laying down instead of on a ball. Or maybe the doctor suggests an intervention you weren’t expecting. Whatever the case, it helps to have someone by your side, on your side, whose brain isn’t clouded with the heady hormones of labor to help you make decisions.
When I was first advised to get a cesarean section due to the intensity (yet ineffectiveness) of my induced contractions and the stress they were causing on my baby, I opted to buy time by getting an epidural. Before going into labor, I told my husband I absolutely did not want (1) a c-section, (2) an episiotomy, and (3) an epidural or pain meds, in that order. So when I asked the doctor for an epidural in hopes it would help my body to relax enough to dilate and avoid a c-section, my husband knew how big of a deal it was for me, and how much support I needed to mentally and emotionally follow through. Ultimately, with his support and careful monitoring by doctor #3, I was able to avoid a c-section.
Go with the flow
If there was ever a time to go full hippie-goddess, it’s during child birth. Your body is literally pulsating with ancient wisdom encoded into your very DNA, building and falling like crashing waves pulled to the shore by the moon at high tide. Your head fills with fog as it retreats to a realm far beyond our own. Sounds of a wild animal will escape your body as you call forth another life into this world.
Embrace it. Birth is like a freight train; once it’s started, there’s really no stopping it. The best you can do is hold on and enjoy the ride as you let your instincts take the conductor’s seat. Things will happen that you didn’t expect, I can almost guarantee it. Rely on the support as mentioned above to get you through changes to your expectations. Listen to your nurses and/or midwives and/or support person. But whatever you do, don’t fight your body. Listen to it. It knows what it’s doing, probably better than anyone else in the room.
Allow yourself grace
I took a pilot’s class in college, and the instructor always said, “Any landing you walk away from is a good landing.” Maybe you broke every FAA rule in the book, but you got the plane on the ground and you walked away from it alive. Many folks will have the same attitude about birth. “You and the baby are healthy, so that’s all that matters, right?” I think this is something people say because they really don’t know what else to say. It’s an attempt at saying “It’s okay,” and while it may be rooted in good intentions, a positive health outcome isn’t “all that matters.” Your mental and emotional health matter, too.
Birth is beautiful. Motherhood is beautiful. The high you get from holding your baby for the first time. The pang in your chest when you hear their cry. There are highs, and there are lows. It’s all 100% worth it. But mom guilt is real. Before, during and after birth. Maybe things went perfectly, or maybe they didn’t. If they didn’t, please allow yourself time and space to digest what happened. It may sound silly, but allow yourself to grieve. We often build these life experiences up in our heads so much, then when they don’t happen according to plan, we can be left feeling unfulfilled or somehow empty. And with a brand new baby to take care of, it’s easy to bury those feelings as you get caught up in taking care of someone else. Acknowledge them, understand them as best you can, and try to give yourself grace as you work through them. Talk about them, if it helps. Cry. Laugh. And it’s okay to not know why. Especially in the first few weeks, the hormones following childbirth will have your feelings scattered all over the place. It’s okay. Just love that baby, and love yourself. You’ll get through it together.
Things will get easier, then harder, then easier…
Personally, the first two weeks of breastfeeding were the hardest. There’s two reasons why. First, during the first few days after birth, your breasts are producing colostrum instead of milk, a form of dense nutrition for baby’s tiny stomach. This is all fine and dandy, but by day three, baby’s stomach has already grown and baby is starting to get hungry for full milk. She nurses and nurses, though the milk hasn’t come in yet, to biologically “pre-order” (i.e. establish a demand) for your breasts to supply. This leads to the second reason: chapped, cracked and sore nipples. Nursing is a learning process for both mom and baby, and it takes time to figure out a proper latch and the best nursing positions. Experiment with different holds and nursing angles, let your nipples air our between nursing sessions, use a saline rinse on raw or broken skin, and get your hands on a good food-grade nipple cream (I love Earth Mama). Your nipples will eventually toughen up. After your milk comes in, you it might take some time before your breasts figure out how to match baby’s demand. If you experience any issues at all, please speak to a lactation consultant. It’s normal for baby to lose a little weight after birth, then gain it back after a few weeks. But please, do not feel guilty or defeated if you are adivsed to supplement with donor milk or formula. It’s okay. Your purpose as a mom is to help your baby grow. Sometimes that means using tools outside of our own bodies. If you’re determined to keep breastfeeding, this doesn’t have to be the end. Or maybe you have other reasons for not breastfeeding. I have a friend who supplemented with donor milk and pumped after feedings to increase her supply. I have a relative who experienced medical issues who needed to switch to formula pretty early on. I know other women who chose to feed their baby formula for reasons unknown. Only you can make the best decision for your situation to keep your baby fed. Your best choice is THE best choice. Allow yourself the feelings that come with whatever territory you find yourself in, but try to get to a place of pride, or at least acceptance, for doing what’s best for your baby.
Continue relying on your support person. Women were never meant to raise children alone. Please please please have the courage to ask for help if you feel frustrated or upset. There is one moment I will never forget. My daughter was three days old, and my milk hadn’t come in yet. My breasts were swollen and sore. My nipples were cracked, and nursing was extremely painful. My baby was hungry. She was screaming to be fed, but I could not bear the thought of latching her on because of the pain. I was in tears. I felt so guilty and selfish, holding her as we both cried. My husband gently walked in the room, took our daughter, set her down, and hugged me. “I can’t feed my baby,” I cried. We took a few breaths, then I remembered about hand expression. My husband tended to our daughter as I went to the kitchen, grabbed an empty shot glass, and sat back down on the couch. I expressed what I could with my hands into the shot glass. Less than an ounce. It barely covered the bottom of the glass. This was far less painful than nursing, but the guilt was still there. I felt completely inadequate. My husband took the shot glass and suggested I go lay down, which I did. From the bedroom, I heard my baby stop crying. I heard her dad talking tenderly to her. I fell asleep. Later I found he had fed her what was in the shot glass by letting her suckle it off his clean fingertips. It worked. Miraculously, it was enough. I was enough. And it got us through to the next feeding. Within a day, and much to the delight of my daughter, my milk came in and renewed our resolve to continue breastfeeding.
You are enough. Sometimes you will need help. Maybe a lot of the time. It truly does take a village, as they say. Let others help. Give yourself space to be human.
Sooner than you realize, between the late nights, the wet sheets, and the bathroom trashcan full of disposable underwear, you will find your happy place. Baby will sleep. You’ll find peace in their cuddles, in their sweet new baby scent. Loved ones will surprise you. And the hardest parts of childbirth and caring for a newborn will soon fade away into that heady fog, slowly clearing more and more every day. The sun will rise, and bring new blessings and new challenges with each new day. This strange new landscape will feel more and more like home as you learn to make it your own. From the bottom of my heart, welcome to Motherhood.